


Fool Me Once, Hold Me Twice

by LingeringLilies



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, ride or die - Freeform, supergirl s02e17, these soft gays are going to be the death of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 01:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10479099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LingeringLilies/pseuds/LingeringLilies
Summary: She knows Alex isn’t going to let her sit there quietly for the rest of the night, which was what Maggie wants to do. Just sit and let her fingers brush over Alex’s face and collarbone. Trace her hands. Kiss the inside of her wrists. Press her cheek to Alex’s palm over and over again. Soak in Alex’s absolution.Maggie can say a lot with her body. Apologies and praises and promises. But some things need to be said out loud.(What would have happened if Alex's phone hadn't rung while she was sitting on the couch with Maggie.)





	

“You don’t think I’m a bad person?”

The words are choked and fragile and Maggie can hardly get them out.

Alex’s voice is strong and sure. “No. Actually I always thought that you were perfect but it’s really nice to see that you have problems too.”

It’s their usual defensive humor, but there’s nothing callous or dismissive about it. Alex opens her arms and Maggie scoots forward and curls into them, relieved. She’s small and vulnerable and this is the only place she wants to be.

Seconds ago she thought she was going to get dumped. But this is better than anything she could have dreamed of.

She’s thought about this hundreds of times. For years she imagined what she’d say if someone she was dating found out she’d cheated. It seemed like a ghost that would follow her around forever, a nasty tattoo on her chest, an arrow shot through time to puncture any chance she had at happiness.

She breathes Alex in, scared if she lets go she’ll lose her forever. She clings and squeaks, “Thank you.”

She knows Alex isn’t going to let her sit there quietly for the rest of the night, which was what Maggie wants to do. Just sit and let her fingers brush over Alex’s face and collarbone. Trace her hands. Kiss the inside of her wrists. Press her cheek to Alex’s palm over and over again. Soak in Alex’s absolution.

Maggie can say a lot with her body. Apologies and praises and promises. But some things need to be said out loud.

She doesn’t know where to start. At the beginning, she supposes. With the truth.

“She, um. We met in college.”

Alex’s hand wraps around Maggie’s as Maggie’s eyes trace the edges of the coffee table, the fireplace, the rug. She can’t look at Alex’s face as she talks. She doesn’t want to see any flicker of fear or judgment.

“We moved in together after graduation. And- you know, after piecing things together since I was fourteen, figuring out where I was gonna stay over Christmas breaks in college and everything… It was like a dream. Having a home with someone? It was perfect.”

She dares to look up at Alex, and Alex is staring back at her with that soft intensity she loves so much. Alex nods in encouragement. Maggie looks down at their hands, wondering why hers feels so small and heavy in Alex’s when they’re the same size.

“And it really did feel like a dream for the first few years. It felt like all the shit that happened to me happened for a reason. But then it just kinda… stopped. Not that it became a nightmare or anything. I don’t know, I just got… less sure. I still think about it all the time and try to figure out why…”

Maggie trails off and Alex gives her hand a gentle squeeze. Maggie looks up, hoping Alex will say, _You don’t have to tell me_ , or _We can talk about this another time_.

But Maggie knows she’s just looking for a way out of feeling like this again, of re-assuming the bits of guilt she managed to shake off over the years.

She has to tell Alex.

“The girl I cheated with was a friend of ours. Not someone we were super close with, but it added to the sting. We’d had a few drinks at her place and it just… happened.”

“What happened?”

Maggie winces. She hates the details. Her mother used to tell her the devil was in them, and it sure feels like it now.

“We had sex. Once. And then I told her it could never happen again. I drove around the city for three hours before I went home.”

“Did you tell Emily right away?”

Maggie nods. She thinks back to the aftermath, to the tearful confession, to the way Emily’s lip had trembled, growing stronger, until all of her was shaking, until it felt like the whole house was shaking, until Maggie’s life crumbled around her for the second time.

Nervous it’s about to happen again, she withdraws her hand from Alex’s, wringing it with her other.

“I still- god, I don’t know why I did it. I was young and _stupid_ , but I was smart enough to know better. I can’t figure _why_ I would hurt someone I loved so much. There’s no reason that will ever make it okay.”

Maggie starts to choke up again, because even though she fights it, the image of Alex’s face if she ever had to tell her she cheated on her pops up, unwelcome, devastated, and heartbreaking.

The silence of the room is excruciating.

“I’m sorry I don’t have a better excuse,” Maggie mumbles. “Not that there’s _ever_ a good enough excuse. But... an explanation.”

Alex is still, contemplating, and Maggie worries she’s said something to make Alex reconsider her compassion.

But Alex just takes a breath.

“Well… I may be new to this whole relationship thing. But from what I understand, people don’t cheat because they want to hurt their partner.”

The last thing Maggie expected was for Alex to be understanding.

Her lip trembles and she nods.

“There are a lot of reasons. Maybe wanting to hurt yourself or escape some kind of numbness or feel desired.”

Maggie shrinks in her seat. She doesn’t like those reasons. They’re selfish. Not that any reason wouldn’t be selfish. But those are especially selfish.

Alex takes another breath. “But most of the time people cheat because they’re unhappy and don’t know how to talk about it. It’s a way of exploding the relationship so you don’t have to take it apart piece by piece. Ripping off a bandaid, so to speak.”

Maggie nods deeper, tucking her chin because she feels stupid for not understanding something so simple.

Alex figured out why she cheated in a matter of hours, and she’s been trying to figure it out for years.

Maggie may know a lot about forensics, but Alex knows a lot about people and why they do the things they do. She's a genius, really. Maggie doesn't feel like she deserves her.

“I’ll never know what happened between you and Emily. But I know you pretty well, and I’m guessing that was why.”

Maggie shivers and lets out a breath she’s been holding for too long.

“Yeah,” she whispers. “That was it.”

Alex squeezes her arm and Maggie dares to glance up at the sympathetic pout on Alex’s face.

“I’m sorry you were unhappy.”

Maggie lets out a gusting half-laugh because now Alex is being ridiculous. “You don’t have to feel bad for me. Cheaters don’t deserve sympathy.”

“I agree.”

Maggie is startled at the contradiction. She gives Alex a questioning look.

“People who are routinely, pathologically unfaithful and don't try to be better deserve a swift kick into the phantom zone.” She flashes a grin, then lets it soften. “But people who make a mistake and suffer the consequences and learn better ways to deal with their feelings shouldn’t think of themselves as cheaters.”

Maggie isn’t sure she believes Alex, but she’ll entertain the thought. It would be nice to not think of herself as a cheater.

She’s reaching her capacity for talking about herself and being vulnerable. She’s getting that itch to leave the room even though Alex is doing and saying everything right. This is the longest she’s gone feeling so exposed in years.

She’s trying so hard though. She doesn’t want to be the person who leaves. Who retreats. Who cheats.

Alex must sense this, because she places her hand on Maggie’s knee and says, “So. All clear as far as I’m concerned.”

Maggie smiles at her, bashful and disbelieving, but oh so grateful and tired.

She’s so tired.

Carrying that with her for so many years was exhausting.

“If you’re ever unhappy, you tell me, and we take it apart piece by piece,” Alex says. She’s somber but soft, and there’s only a flicker of warning in her eyes, meant to convey her sincerity rather than a threat.

Maggie nods adamantly, certain that she’d rather deconstruct for years than see Alex’s heart exploded.

She tips forward, asking, and Alex receives her with her endless grace, and they stay there for a long time. After a while they get ready for bed and climb into Alex’s sheets, quiet and heavy but peaceful. More peaceful than Maggie’s felt in years.

Maggie knows things can change. People evolve and feelings shift. But in the hours and days and weeks that follow, in all the kisses and embraces and touches and meals and laughter they share, she can’t imagine ever, ever being unhappy.


End file.
